He could not
feel bad here
lying under
the good stars.
The lighthouse
was just visible
& tall waves
knew grey rock.
He recalled
other beaches,
summers & the taste
of strawberries.
The guitar of
wind kissed skin
& hair as nightbirds
made love to
quivering shoreline.
The tide had turned.
Mariners considered
new catches & dreamt
once more of death
by drowning.
The promise of
sky & sea were
never more obvious.
“Be natural, my children.”–last words of English novelist Charles Dickens
Living authentically, especially in social situations like families and workplaces, is one of the hardest, trickiest challenges in interpersonal relationships. It always works if you are honest, simply yourself, and not merely some kind of expected social role or role you choose to play in order to cater to the wishes and limited/limiting egos of others.
When we are with friends or people closest to us, it is always best to focus on mutual interests, shared past experiences, and what you want to know about them, who they are, and what you’re curious about. I always take the view that Virginia Woolf had–that I want to learn from and about others, that there is something positive that will expand my own perception, understanding, and appreciation of others. Other people are always potentially interesting and they naturally evoke questions and responses during the listening, relating process. I am ‘larger’ or ‘largest’ when I am fully engaged, listening, and responding to others. When the talk is honest and thoughtful, the process, incidentally and consequentially, reveals me at my most natural and best.
Typically, people play roles when they are with others. This begins at an early age when we are children (sons and daughters) in relation to parents (mothers and fathers)–something that usually continues through life, though in changed and modified forms as children grow up or age themselves. In the workplace, we are employees, doing what employers or bosses expect or tell us to do. In male-female relationships, there are usually assigned or assumed roles–a fair number of these challenging or begrudgingly done over time. Roles always delineate, limit, and restrict at some stage–sometimes they are even fixed or foisted–having an unnatural rigidity and smallness that make one aware that there is often much more to oneself–potentially and actually.
One ‘trap’ to being nice, for instance, is that there is no limit to the number of people who will use or not care about others, but rather see nice people as being a means to an end. Often, as I have remarked before, nice people will not necessarily get a deeply-needed or commensurate positiveness back. They put out way more than they ever put back in, frequently leading to dwindling energy and personal resources. As I have also remarked elsewhere in this blog, one has to be nice to oneself or take care of oneself if one is going to approach life this way. Charity begins at home, so to speak, and you certainly can’t be any good for others if you are not good to yourself. You owe this to yourself; after all, your life is mostly your life.
Two basic problems in relationships are: 1) We do not see ourselves the ways that others do (that is, we may not fully understand our affects on others or we do not see the gaps between our perceived images of ourselves vs. the preferred images that others have of us). 2) We receive meanings and purposes from relationships, but the roles and exposures that we have to others in relationships may limit what we really want or need, as well as who we are, and our potentially to live authentically–without social masks or personas, assigned or chosen roles.
As we often hear, it is important to be oneself or to be true to oneself. This may require an extra step of setting up conditions under which we are more likely to learn about ourselves, who we are, what we like, and so forth. This may mean ‘dropping out’, leaving the ‘herd’ or ‘machine’ as we used to call it in the ’60s, cutting out the social noise, and trying other possibilities and actualizing roles of self-growth that may work better in the long run for ourselves. “Finding oneself’ is a bit of a cliche, but sometimes that can get thwarted in the glut or mess of one’s main personal relationships, family living, work, or career. I think living authentically is always going to be easier if you know and like yourself, and if you respond naturally/’unrolely’ to others. Roles can be convenient or efficient (e.g., a job may get done), but they are, first and foremost, just that–roles. People and life are far more complicated and nuanced than roles.
So who are you? What do you like? What are your missing pieces, your unfulfilled or neglected dreams? This is, after all, your life. It’s been said that sometimes we’d rather die for our preferred egoic images of self and imagined, projected fantasies of what ‘society’ expects of us. Too many of us serve without reflecting and attending to our own much deeper inner–sometimes spiritual–needs. There are basic hungers and thirsts that beg a more authentic, less ‘rolely’ lifestyle. And sometimes, these will bubble up, whether in the proverbial mid-life crisis or under other changed contexts, and we will draw a very deep breath and begin again. This time, as our natural selves, living for and as our more authentic, basic selves.
“They intoxicate themselves with work so they won’t see how they really are.”–Aldous Huxley
“There is no wisdom without leisure.”–Jewish proverb
“Perhaps the androgynous mind is less apt to make these distinctions than the single-sexed mind….the androgynous mind is resonant and porous; that it transmits emotion without impediment; that it is unnaturally creative, incandescent and undivided.”
–Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own
Absolute madness! Crazies phoning her office ordering her to resign because Mr. Perfect hit her in the breast. (Fact–whether on purpose or not.)
Equally sickening the Liberals thronging around JT after the hit, thereby trivializing this incident and his out-of-control “Get out of the f–king way!” language and bullying behavior.
Fair is foul and foul is fair. Canadians are living in politically topsy-turvy times sans common sense and any perception of fact and true blame and responsibility. JT (“You piece of sh-t” to Conservative Peter Kent in the House no less) is a flawless God, period, and Ms. Brosseau is just dirt. Sick, sick.
(“conferring her own crown of greatness and genius”: Joni Mitchell’s clever self-portrait based on a van Gogh painting)
Ingrid Bergman
Juliette Binoche
Deborah Kerr
Vanessa Redgrave
Elizabeth Taylor
Virginia Woolf
Agatha Christie
Jane Austen
Emily Dickinson
Willa Cather
Alice Munro
Gabrielle Roy
Margaret Laurence
Emily Carr
Camille Claudel
Joan of Arc
Florence Nightingale
Mother Teresa
Helen Keller
Amelia Earhart
Jane Goodall
Rachel Carson
Joan Baez
Janis Ian
Suzanne Vega
Buffy Sainte-Marie
Joni Mitchell
Judy Collins
……………………..
I wonder how many young women out there today would name any of the above, and, if so, which ones and why.
Likewise, which ones, if any, men of various ages would cite.
I’d have no problem with any of these Academy choices for very good or great films:
1939–Gone with the Wind; big focus: American Civil War as it affected the South; several storylines; strong performances including Gable and Leigh; big scenes–Gettysburg triage, burning of Atlanta; ambitious large-scale movie and a blockbuster
1943–Casablanca–the most nostalgic WW 2 movie; numerous strong performances including cool Bogart, beautiful Bergman; good vs. evil with strong overlayers of romance and heroism
1946–The Best Years of Our Lives–truly well-done study of 3 soldiers returning home; scene-stealing performance by handicapped Harold Russell; looks at many kinds of relationships and post-war adjustment
1948–Hamlet– a dignified romantic take by director-actor Olivier; he catches the protagonist’s passion and poetry; many good scenes; 1st film to make a serious, credible Shakespeare; great b & w look
1950–All About Eve–very catty, bitchy, witty, and funny; numerous truths about ego, vanity, manipulation, acting and theatre; strong performances by Davis, Sanders, and everybody else; still fun to watch; script and direction top notch
1951–An American in Paris–I’m not big on musicals but this one is up there with my other favorite–Singin’ in the Rain–both with a funny, dashing, romantic Kelly; nice use of color and set pieces; Gershwin music a can’t miss
1953–From Here to Eternity–several famous actors, all doing well; who can forget the Sinatra-Borgnine fight and the beach love scene? Based on several-plots Jones novel
1954–On the Waterfront–can’t miss with an essential Brando directed by Elia Kazan (as in Streetcar); an antihero-underdog takes on the crooked waterfront; all about honesty, truth, integrity and the individual vs. society trying to create positive change; very pro-union viewing
1957–Bridge on the River Kwai–Lean’s first big epic about a ‘nut’ (he was fascinated by them–cf Lawrence of Arabia; Guinness outstanding as is his Japanese counterpart and Holden as a stereotypical American hero; the final scene is one of the best, most suspenseful ever filmed–right up there with High Noon
1959–Ben Hur–another big blockbuster which ties in with the Christ story; big, risky, dangerous scenes like the chariot race; memorable ‘minor’ scenes like the leper cave and slave galley scenes; Heston was never better
1962–Lawrence of Arabia–a film masterpiece and Lean’s finest labor of love re. ‘nuts’, nature, big scenes (train explosions), and beauty; O’Toole was robbed of Best Actor; must be seen on a big screen to get the full values of this one–no phone screens!
1967–In the Heat of the Night–well-timed study of a black detective helping a ‘dumb’ prejudiced white sheriff solve a murder case; Steiger and Poitier outstanding; best movie by a Canadian director up to this point in time; a basic primer on civil rights in the ’60s
1970–Patton–Scott is Patton, his finest performance; covers general’s career in WW2–interesting story, colorful larger-than-life character; good cinematography and even better score
1972–The Godfather–whoda thunk–an artsy film about a Mafia family; an essential American dream film; outstanding performances by Brando, Pacino (his first big role), Caan, and many others; several powerful scenes; a film that can be watched over and over because of its feel and atmosphere
1974–Godfather II–an even bigger, stronger film; past and present intertwined nicely; Pacino is remarkable; Coppola at his best
1975–One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest–Jack Nicholson’s best role; a true and funny view of madness with powerful scenes and conflict with the Big Nurse
1977–Annie Hall–still vivid and funny; so much depends on Allen and Keaton–major comedy stars of their time; great script, somewhat loosely but effectively directed by Allen
1980–Ordinary People–Redford’s first major film directed; all strong performances–Moore, Hutton, Hirsch, and an underrated Sutherland; many memorable scenes; best film to that point about a dysfunctional ‘haves’ family
1981–Chariots of Fire–totally from left field (like King’s Speech later); underdog entry surprised everyone at the time; very British story with little known actors; story of two runners; memorable inspiring Vangelis score
1990–Dances with Wolves–Costner’s best work; an atmospheric work about a white outsider who becomes one with the oppressed natives; at times a gentle work taking a sympathetic view of native history and culture
1992–Unforgiven–the meanest western ever made; the first serious (Mel Brooks did the first satirical western) deconstructed western; brutal, vicious and more realistic than 80% of the westerns ever made; Eastwood has never been better as actor or director
1993–Schindler’s List–Spielberg’s first significant artsy film about concentration camps; shot in b & w to capture the harshness and bleakness; good storyline with a nice historical coda; must-seeing re. the Holocaust
2005–Crash–another Canadian success, Paul Haggis; multiple storylines and couples; explores modern America, the sexes, common conflicts, prejudice, and racism; wonderfully and fearlessly politically incorrect at times
2008–The King’s Speech–another unexpected U.K. winner; many people can identify with the public speaking conflict; captures the angst of the protagonist and the times
……………………………….
Other Best Movie choices I would either concur with or be indifferent about. And there are many, especially in the last 20 years that have not lured me to a movie theatre.
Elsewhere, earlier on this blog, see my reviews of Klute, All Is Lost, Branagh’s Macbeth, and various Hitchcocks. I hope to include more reviews from time to time when I get the chance to see something good, memorable, or great.
“The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice.”–George Eliot, Daniel Deronda
“You don’t get to choose how you’re going to die, or when. But you can only decide how you’re going to live, now.”–Joan Baez
“We must make the choices that enable us to fulfill the deepest capacities of our real selves.”–Thomas Merton
“Conditions are never just right. People who delay action until all factors are favorable do nothing.”–William Feather
“He who postpones the hour of living is like the rustic who waits for the river to run out before he crosses.”–Horace
“Man does not simply exist, but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become in the next moment.”–Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
“The last, if not the greatest, of the human freedoms: to choose their own attitude in any given circumstances.” –Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
“When you have to make a choice and don’t make it, that is in itself a choice.”–William James
“Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing is so futile.”–Bertrand Russell
…………………………………
Nothing happens without myriad daily and larger personal decisions and choices. As the Existentialists pointed out, we are defined by and governed by our personal choices.
The baby and young child start life as gifts, unbeknownst to themselves. They are what they are, naturally, as much as a beautiful, undisturbed landscape or an animal in the wild. Consciousness is relatively undeveloped through the early years. And when children are bad or are hard on themselves, it is the early consciousness without perspective that again cannot see that the individual is and has been– a gift per se, as is, in all his or her relative innocence and ignorance.
There may eventually come a point in the teen years and early adult years when the individual becomes more aware of receiving the special gifts of others. It may be the case of an aunt bequeathing a favorite painting, a grandfather bequeathing a car to a young married couple, or simply the awareness of a family member or friend giving up their time and acting for the individual in some important, meaningful way.
Our first significant relationships often have an element of the gifts of self–individuals doing or offering their best for others, sometimes willing to sacrifice much for the other, fortunate person. Weddings often have a strong sense of this mutual gifting–a free, voluntary sharing of the best of one’s self.
This theme, likewise, runs through certain occupations and work such as counselling, teaching, and nursing. The best people in those areas open themselves up and offer their best to others who want or need it. And we may also find that it is our friends, from high school on, who offer the most memorable gifts of self, without asking anything in return, these special people without agendas who are apolitical in what they offer others.
Life goes on and at some point, we may wake up and review our pasts and find, recognize, and appreciate the many special gifts of self we may either have taken for granted or not fully understood and appreciated. This may turn out to be a very long list with many faces from past and present. We may also stop to consider, in turn, how and when we ourselves were gifts of self to others.
I think in later life you can often see a belated recognition of the gifts of self in occasions such as funerals where there is, typically, albeit belatedly unfortunately, celebrations of lives. Although it is good for survivors, family and friends to hear of the special gifts of self, too often the testimonies of appreciation are too late–things that were not said to the face of the person when he or she was alive.
No, the best time to offer, accept, and appreciate the special gifts of people is when folks are more fully conscious and alive. For there are many desert flowers and Eleanor Rigbys who have lived and died without that deserved attention, experience, recognition, and love. Simply put–the power, magic, and importance of giving and receiving the very special Gifts of Self.
“Without contraries is no progression”
…………………………………………..
Tennessee Williams says much the same sort of thing in “The Catastrophe of Success”, the essay he wrote about getting ‘soft’ after the success of The Glass Menagerie. Conflict in the crucible is a proving ground of sorts and certainly is a built-in part of process and experience. How one reacts to it affects character and choices ultimately. And often, as remarked on before, the individual is in conflict with certain contexts as well (e.g., Hamlet in Claudius’ court).
I believe the contraries Blake speaks of is also related to a dualistic view (“Fair is foul and foul is fair” revisited–opposites, as Shakespeare shows in many plays likewise, reveals or develops character. Both sides/poles are inevitably true in their various ways, and need to be accounted for (with perhaps life and death being the most basic contraries), but what I said before about how one acts in response to information can also be true when people respond to conflict. Both situations reveal character and who we are, and, as I have said before likewise, these situations reveal a person’s attitude. So much depends upon attitude. And the proverbial view of the glass half full or empty. Indeed, the attitude is the individual, reveals the personality and character of the individual. So contraries, therefore, present opportunity and lead to new possibilities. In this sense, Blake is right. The contraries and conflicts lead to progression and often positive change.
